George Michael Has Curves

This was a tough week. As everybody knows, Curves’ (Curves’s? Where do I put the apostrophe?) long-time agency of record, Goodby Silverstein, had to bow out of the account after securing another wellness-related piece of business. I heard Jeff Goodby himself is penning the new print work. Here’s a sneak peek.

Look at all those benefits down there in the body copy. Nicely done, sir. Plus I don’t know if you can make out that she’s actually hula-hooping. If this woman can hula-hoop right after laparoscopic gastric band surgery, I’m sold. Note to self, send Jeff one of those fat jiggling machines for his office, he’ll get a real kick out of that.

So needless to say, after Curves’s’s RFP every agency was hungry to get a piece of that two million dollar a year piece of action. Sorry, Mother London. I got it. I sat down with Gary & Diane Heavin, co-founders, in their home office in Waco, TX to discuss how they wanted me to approach their upcoming Christmas promotional.

“Have a seat, son,” Gary said.

He pointed to an ornate plastic-covered divan. “The wife doesn’t like spills. And I don’t like surprises. What’ve ya got?”

I murmured something off to the side.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh nothing,” I said. Just some- careless whispers.”

At which point I spun around my iPad and said “Wham!”

Gary looked scared. His wife, however, was smiling.

“See, Gary, ladies between the ages of 34-50 love George Michael. What’s your key demo?”

He begrudgingly admitted it was ladies between the ages of 34-50.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do. This Christmas we’re remaking “Last Christmas” by George Michael. It’s a new video, same music but new lyrics. George, seductively welcoming all the moms up to his Curves Cabin for a good workout and some hot cocoa. We’re talking millions of hits.” I showed him a mock-up.

Gary grunted with a nod. “It makes me uncomfortable with my own sexuality but I gotta admit it’s genius.”

I barged ahead. “The video will lead traffic to a personalized microsite where King George himself will instruct all of the classes you currently teach at Curves. At the end of each session, George’ll hand out virtual coupons so potential members can try the clubs for real.”

Diane Heavin let out a little squeal and squeezed the bejeezus out of me. “Do I get to meet him? Do I? Do I?”

I winked at her. “You just gotta have faith.”