Yosemite

I can’t lie. I am not a hiker. Hiking bores me, unless there are stunning waterfalls at every step, glaciers, fireworks, a strawberry daiquiri cart and/or a large plasma with a PlayStation 3. So last year, when my brother and girlfriend convinced me to hike to the top of Half Dome, I wasn’t too sure. “It’s so easy,” they said. “Will take 5 hours max.” Yeah, bullsh*t. That hike took EIGHTEEN HOURS round trip and I almost died from hysteria on the way back down. This was the hike in a nutshell.

See? I told you it was treacherous. So I wasn’t too surprised to learn that Yosemite National Park was hurting cash-wise. You mean people don’t want to go out and see grass? They don’t want to have grizzly bear encounters? Weird. You’d think that would be a peaceful moment they’d have with the bear right before it rips off their legs with its razor sharp claw paws. Hey I have an idea. Instead of Smokey the Bear as the forest spokesperson-

-we enlist the aid of Gary the Gay Bear.

A. I can guarantee there would be no more forest fires. You wouldn’t find me anywhere NEAR a match if I thought a large Gay Bear might come out of the woods and have his way with me. There is no B, A is enough.

But that’s silly. As adventurous as The Ad Agency In My Mind is, we’re not that irresponsible. Besides, gays don’t hike- they wouldn’t be caught dead in camo. So let’s venture back to my earlier idea. I would TOTALLY go to Yosemite more if they had a hike like this.

The Plasma Hike, sponsored by ABC Disney. Families would bring their kids, there’d be something for everyone. And while we’re on the subject, why not just open the whole park up for advertising revenue?

I think that’s quite beautiful, as a matter of fact. Imagine, Half Dome brought to you by Ticketmaster.

Make it to the top for a chance to win VIP tickets and a brunch date with Usher.

Advertising to the rescue yet again.