Oh What A Feeling! (to be pinned under a RAV-4)

Toyota made news recently after being fined another 17 million dollars for failing to bring safety issues to the attention of US federal regulators. If you “recall” (pardon the pun) this is not their first infraction. This is their fourth fine in two and a half years, their past three totaled approximately 49 million. Why don’t they just come out and say it?

It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Why else are they cutting our brake lines straight out of the showroom? Akio Toyoda, the CEO of Toyota, recently told me, “It’s true. I don’t care. We are committed to making cars that injure Americans. Good luck with that rear camera system.” He was equally as brazen when talking about their new ad campaign, courtesy of Saatchi & Saatchi. “We’ve worked very closely with our American marketing team in crafting a message that exemplifies our company’s foundation of honesty. We couldn’t be prouder.”

“It’s so rare in advertising that you get the chance to ‘tell it like it is’,” said Peter Gold of Saatchi LA. “The fact that Toyota pays us 600 million dollars a year has nothing to do with the kind of ads we’re making. This is just plain good creative.”

I couldn’t pass up the chance to ask Akio about something that always bothered me. Why are the windows in the FJ Cruiser so small? “It’s way easier to sideswipe a pregnant woman when your blind spots are four feet wide on either side,” Akio confided. “We are currently working on a concept car with no windows at all, much like a coffin on wheels,” he said while stuffing a live squid into his mouth and laughing like a wrinkled old demon.

“The gold rims speak to our urban market,” says Akio, “while the complete lack of windows speaks to our desire to kill most of you and make the rest our sex slaves. But on the priority scale of death vs sex slave it’s definitely death=10, sex slave=4.” 

-dedicated to @callemac

Get OFF!

I hate bugs. I hate the way I end up screaming like a nine year-old girl as soon as one lands on me. One second, I’m a fairly manly dude cutting logs and the next I’m swatting at myself like, well like this.

Yeah that would be me after a bug incident. Just to recap, here’s an educational graphic.

So when OFF! bug spray asked me to come up with a campaign for them I was more than happy to help. First I thought they needed a better tagline than their current one.

I was kinda surprised they went with that one, it seems a little harsh, SC Johnson has really changed. Well either way the new tagline I proposed was Buzz Kill. I think Buzz Kill is an awesome tag line for OFF! and would play really well in the much sought after Caucasian camping demographic. I even focus grouped it.

The guy on the right said he’d recommend it to a friend but then admitted his only friend was the guy on the left. Without needing any further proof I began to concept ideas against the tagline, because who really needs a brief if you have a badass tagline? The first idea I presented was Max, a large gay man dressed like a mosquito. He’s always flying around sucking on people then acting like he’s innocent.

But seconds after he sucks the blood he curls into a fetal position, spitting up vomit and stomach lining, thanks to the healthy amount of DEET he ingested. Then a voice says “Buzz Kill!” and a french horn makes a wah wah wah sound and we cue a laugh track. Every week we come up with new ways for him to die an atrocious death thanks to OFF! 

The second idea I presented was that people are SO comfortable and feel SO protected thanks to OFF! they just strip off their clothes and walk around the woods buck naked. 

Which is in itself a buzz kill, because who wants to see that shit? Needless to say the meeting was a huge success but turns out they only want banner ads.

There you go, peeps. Just another day at the office.

Apple Ever After

Smokin’ Hot Cheesepuffs

Now, like you, I enjoy Smokin’ Hot Cheesepuffs from Walgreens. But the packaging didn’t always look this amazing. It used to be that Smokin’ Hot Cheesepuffs came in a bag where you couldn’t see the bright red toxic puffs and there was absolutely no amazing clown who’s maniacal stare seemed to scream ”I will babysit your children for no charge.” These were both my ideas. I told Randy Diddles, CMO of CandySnax LTD when he hired me, “Dude we have to make this bag fucking see through. People need to see these glowing red turds. They need to WANT to put them in their mouths, and they also need to have nightmares about clown sodomy. It’s two things, but they will move units.” He agreed. To date, we’ve moved two thousand RBU’s of Smokin’ Hot P’s and we even got a write up in Doodlefingers magazine. Success story? You tell me.

Blue Ribbon Symphony

I’m not a beer guy, it all tastes like sh*t to me, like coffee. I think it’s the genetics of my tongue. My tongue was born not liking bitter disgusting beverages I guess.

But there’s a certain Je Ne Sais Quoi about Pabst Blue Ribbon. I like the brand, only because it’s so old now that I don’t think about men beating their wives with a thick leather belt behind closed doors the night before Christmas or West Virginia house parties. Now I think about hipster dudes that fit into Ben Sherman shirts I could swear are tailored to small Asian women, sipping on PBR’s pretending they like the taste but really just liking the can’s label. So that’s an improvement I guess.



To class it up even more, though, I have an idea. It’s called the Blue Ribbon Symphony. First we hire YoYoMa (One word? Is “Ma” his last name? Who names their fricking kid YoYo?) and the London Symphony Orchestra to perform a night of classics at the Gehry Disney Hall. Btw here’s me and the Yo.

But FIRST we hold a cocktail party before the concert, sponsored by Pabst. I’m talking unlimited free Pabst for everyone. I’m talking YoYo and the first chair violinist playing beer pong. I’m talking a make-out sesh between two tuba dudes. After the orchestra is completely shnockered, everyone takes their seats for the concert.



Who wouldn’t want to hear Beethoven, Mozart and Bach that way? The classics, finally palatable. If only I could say the same for the beer.

George Michael Has Curves

This was a tough week. As everybody knows, Curves’ (Curves’s? Where do I put the apostrophe?) long-time agency of record, Goodby Silverstein, had to bow out of the account after securing another wellness-related piece of business. I heard Jeff Goodby himself is penning the new print work. Here’s a sneak peek.

Look at all those benefits down there in the body copy. Nicely done, sir. Plus I don’t know if you can make out that she’s actually hula-hooping. If this woman can hula-hoop right after laparoscopic gastric band surgery, I’m sold. Note to self, send Jeff one of those fat jiggling machines for his office, he’ll get a real kick out of that.

So needless to say, after Curves’s’s RFP every agency was hungry to get a piece of that two million dollar a year piece of action. Sorry, Mother London. I got it. I sat down with Gary & Diane Heavin, co-founders, in their home office in Waco, TX to discuss how they wanted me to approach their upcoming Christmas promotional.

“Have a seat, son,” Gary said.

He pointed to an ornate plastic-covered divan. “The wife doesn’t like spills. And I don’t like surprises. What’ve ya got?”

I murmured something off to the side.

“Excuse me?”

“Oh nothing,” I said. Just some- careless whispers.”

At which point I spun around my iPad and said “Wham!”

Gary looked scared. His wife, however, was smiling.

“See, Gary, ladies between the ages of 34-50 love George Michael. What’s your key demo?”

He begrudgingly admitted it was ladies between the ages of 34-50.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do. This Christmas we’re remaking “Last Christmas” by George Michael. It’s a new video, same music but new lyrics. George, seductively welcoming all the moms up to his Curves Cabin for a good workout and some hot cocoa. We’re talking millions of hits.” I showed him a mock-up.

Gary grunted with a nod. “It makes me uncomfortable with my own sexuality but I gotta admit it’s genius.”

I barged ahead. “The video will lead traffic to a personalized microsite where King George himself will instruct all of the classes you currently teach at Curves. At the end of each session, George’ll hand out virtual coupons so potential members can try the clubs for real.”

Diane Heavin let out a little squeal and squeezed the bejeezus out of me. “Do I get to meet him? Do I? Do I?”

I winked at her. “You just gotta have faith.”

Yosemite

I can’t lie. I am not a hiker. Hiking bores me, unless there are stunning waterfalls at every step, glaciers, fireworks, a strawberry daiquiri cart and/or a large plasma with a PlayStation 3. So last year, when my brother and girlfriend convinced me to hike to the top of Half Dome, I wasn’t too sure. “It’s so easy,” they said. “Will take 5 hours max.” Yeah, bullsh*t. That hike took EIGHTEEN HOURS round trip and I almost died from hysteria on the way back down. This was the hike in a nutshell.

See? I told you it was treacherous. So I wasn’t too surprised to learn that Yosemite National Park was hurting cash-wise. You mean people don’t want to go out and see grass? They don’t want to have grizzly bear encounters? Weird. You’d think that would be a peaceful moment they’d have with the bear right before it rips off their legs with its razor sharp claw paws. Hey I have an idea. Instead of Smokey the Bear as the forest spokesperson-

-we enlist the aid of Gary the Gay Bear.

A. I can guarantee there would be no more forest fires. You wouldn’t find me anywhere NEAR a match if I thought a large Gay Bear might come out of the woods and have his way with me. There is no B, A is enough.

But that’s silly. As adventurous as The Ad Agency In My Mind is, we’re not that irresponsible. Besides, gays don’t hike- they wouldn’t be caught dead in camo. So let’s venture back to my earlier idea. I would TOTALLY go to Yosemite more if they had a hike like this.

The Plasma Hike, sponsored by ABC Disney. Families would bring their kids, there’d be something for everyone. And while we’re on the subject, why not just open the whole park up for advertising revenue?

I think that’s quite beautiful, as a matter of fact. Imagine, Half Dome brought to you by Ticketmaster.

Make it to the top for a chance to win VIP tickets and a brunch date with Usher.

Advertising to the rescue yet again.