Toyota made news recently after being fined another 17 million dollars for failing to bring safety issues to the attention of US federal regulators. If you “recall” (pardon the pun) this is not their first infraction. This is their fourth fine in two and a half years, their past three totaled approximately 49 million. Why don’t they just come out and say it?
It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Why else are they cutting our brake lines straight out of the showroom? Akio Toyoda, the CEO of Toyota, recently told me, “It’s true. I don’t care. We are committed to making cars that injure Americans. Good luck with that rear camera system.” He was equally as brazen when talking about their new ad campaign, courtesy of Saatchi & Saatchi. “We’ve worked very closely with our American marketing team in crafting a message that exemplifies our company’s foundation of honesty. We couldn’t be prouder.”
“It’s so rare in advertising that you get the chance to ‘tell it like it is’,” said Peter Gold of Saatchi LA. “The fact that Toyota pays us 600 million dollars a year has nothing to do with the kind of ads we’re making. This is just plain good creative.”
I couldn’t pass up the chance to ask Akio about something that always bothered me. Why are the windows in the FJ Cruiser so small? “It’s way easier to sideswipe a pregnant woman when your blind spots are four feet wide on either side,” Akio confided. “We are currently working on a concept car with no windows at all, much like a coffin on wheels,” he said while stuffing a live squid into his mouth and laughing like a wrinkled old demon.
“The gold rims speak to our urban market,” says Akio, “while the complete lack of windows speaks to our desire to kill most of you and make the rest our sex slaves. But on the priority scale of death vs sex slave it’s definitely death=10, sex slave=4.”
-dedicated to @callemac